Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
