you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
