You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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