Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
