he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
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you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
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You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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