My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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