I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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