I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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