I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
