I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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