I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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