I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
