...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
