I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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