1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
