just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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