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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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