And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
