her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
