I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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