i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
