I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
