Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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