I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
