after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
