Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
