I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
