I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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