I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
