I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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