I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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