I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
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He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
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finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.