k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
