The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
