I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
