that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
