Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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