never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i will never coherently bang her
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
