i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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