shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
