Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
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just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize