I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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