someone threw a dead crab at me
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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