Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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