he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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