Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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