i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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