I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
no you cant smoke seaweed
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
