Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
