my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
