Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
