Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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