Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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