Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
