you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
